My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason. Why just the other day, she got mad when she announced that she was going to the beauty parlor and all I asked was 'are you going in for an estimate or are you going to get the work done'?
What is six inches long, has a head on it, and makes women go wild? Money!
Dear Jesus
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "At Christmas you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?" "Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas."
His mother said, "Yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him."
Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter:
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
Your Friend,
Johnny
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
Dear Jesus,
Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to write another letter.
Dear Jesus,
I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one either. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.
Dear Jesus,
If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
Your Friend,
Johnny
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions!
How do you know that a blonde has been working on the computer?
There is "white-out" all over the screen.
An old couple decided to have another child by artificial insemination. The good doctor gave a small bottle with a metal cap and asked the couple to return with some sperm sample. The next day the couple returned but the bottle was empty. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, the old man said, I tried my left hand, and then my right hand, it did'nt work. My wife tried her right hand, her left hand too. She even used her mouth ... we still could'nt open the bottle!".
A man is feeling down in a bar and so the bartender pulls out something to cheer him up: a small 5" piano. the man is just stunned by this. it plays exactly like a piano. and then, to top it off, he put a small man about 10" tall right next to it. when he sits down and starts playing the piano, the drunken man it just blown away.
WOW! he says, how did THAT happen?
well... says the bartender, There is a genie that grants a wish to each person who rubs it... And just then, the bartender pulls out this old lamp. the man rubs it and as a genie smokes out, he asks for a million bucks. about 5 seconds later, a million ducks appear out of nowhere. the man is applaud by this and asks the bartender:
Hey... I asked for a million bucks and instead, a million ducks fly out. What a GYP!! What," says the bartender, do you think that I asked for a ten inch pianist?
A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table. The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, " do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient."
Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night,
The sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A guy walks up to a bar tender and goes hey bar tender you see that cup over there he goes ya so. I bet you 500.000 bucks that I can pee from here into that cup and not spill one drop. So the bartender goes my friend you have yourself a deal. Now this cup was a good 9 feet away. So the man pulls down his zipper and lets it rip. He starts going all over the bar, the stools, the bar tender, and the phone. So finally he finishes. The bartender has a big smile on his face and so does the other guy. The bar tender says hey what the @!#* you so happy about. The guys says excuse me just one second. He walks over to the pool tables and starts wispering into these guys ears and all of a sudden they hand him this huge waud of cash. So the guy walks back to the bar and gives the bar tender his 500.000 bucks , but this guy still has this big smile on his face. So the bar tender goes again what the @#!* you so happy about? The guy says to the bar tender you see those to guys over there "ya" well I bet them 1000.000 each that I could pee all over your bar all over your face and that you wouldn't be mad but in fact you would be happy.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
One day at school, the teacher asked the children what they thought was beautiful. She asked Sally, and Sally replied, "I think flowers are beautiful." She called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, " I think frogs are beautiful." Next she called on Billy, and Billy replied, "I think pregnant women are." "Why is that," she asked? "Because, when my sister got pregnant my dad said beautiful just @#*#@$% beautiful!"
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
Why I Fired My Secretary Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling to good that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and wish me a Happy Birthday and probably would have a present. To my surprise, she didn't even say Good Morning, let alone Happy Birthday! I said, well, that's wives for you, hopefully the children will remember. The children all came in for breakfast and didn't say a word either, so when I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondant. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better. At least someone had remembered my birthday. I worked until about noon when Janet knocked on my door saying, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday. Why don't we go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day, let's go!" So we went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally go. Instead, we went to this little private place out in the country.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't really need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not," and she suggested that we go back to her apartment.
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini, smoked a cigarette and then she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go to the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and a few minutes later she came out... carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. They were all singing Happy Birthday and there I sat...
with nothing but my birthday suit on!
Once in the west, in a bar full of low life, two gentlemen with business suites walk in, one of them takes out an antenna fron his hat and starts talking to someone , after a minute when everybody is staring at him he say's "i was just talking into my state of the art cellular hat". Now it was the other guys turn he took out his pen opened the cap and started talking into it , he said " i was just talking into my state of the art cellular pen". all the men in the bar were impressed by the two men, these two gave those bums a look as if saying they are better cause they are richer. In a moment one of the bum burps and says "quick paper anyone, i got a fax coming in"
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore are in an airplane flying across the country. Suddenly, Bill Clinton says, "Hey, lets throw a $100.00 bill out the window and make someone happy!" Then Hillary Clinton says, "NO, lets throw two $50.00 bills out the window and make TWO people happy!" Then Al Gore says, "NO, lets throw a hundred $1.00's out the window and make a 100 people happy!" Then, from the front of the plane, the pilot yells, "Why don't you throw YOURSELVES out the window and make 200 MILLION people happy?!"
So the plane crashes and they all go to heaven. God comes down from his throne and looks the three of them over and says to Bill, "I'm God, who are you?" Bill looks at him and says "I'm Bill Clinton, and I was the President of the United States!" God thinks for a minute and says, "Hmmmm, that's a pretty important job--you come sit here on my right." Then God looks at Al Gore. "I'm God, who are you?" An Al says, "I'm Al Gore, and I was the Vice President of the United States!" God thinks for a minute and says "Hmmmm, thats a pretty important job--you come sit here on my left."
Then God looks at Hillary. "I'm God, who are you?" "I'm Hillary Rodham Clinton--and I believe you're in MY Chair!"
The President and his wife were attening a baseball game on opening day when Hillary came flying out of the presidental box and landed on the field. Immediately, the White House Chief of Staff rushed over to Bill and whispered, "No, no, Mr. President-you're her to throw out the first pitch"
As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day, his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Bill rubbed it to expose the label. Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a huge genie appeared.
"Thank you - oh, thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in. I've been in there for hundreds, yes, hundreds of years. As a expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish."
Mr. Clinton, being a world leader, knew exactly what to ask for. "Peace in the Mideast!" he quickly replied.
The genie seemed confused. "Mideast... Mideast... I can't seem to remember... can you help me out a little?
The President quickly has a world map brought over and he carefully points out the affected area of the globe, recounting briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area.
The genie's eyes widen and he says "Oh, yea. Now I remember. The Mideast! Whew. That's a tough one. You know, they've been fighting over there quite literally for millennia. I hate to admit it, but I think that's more than I can handle. I'm sorry. Can you wish for something else?"
Clinton, obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity, can think of only one other wish: "Could you make the American people like my wife?"
The genie pauses, grimaces, then says, "Let me see that map again."
A hairlip little boy goes out trick or treating on holloween. He is dressed as a pirate. He walks up to the first house, rings the doorbell, a guy answers, the little boys says "Mbick or Mbeek". The guy says "ugh", the little boy repeats "Mbick or Mbeek". The guy thinks for a minute. Ohh, i see your a pirate, where are your buccaneer's? To this the little boy replied, "on the side of my buckin head, where are your buckin eyes"!
A cowboy was captured by the indians backin 1820. They said that they would kill him, but because they were celebrating the Great Spirit they would allow him three requests. " I wanna talk to ma horse!" He goes over to the horse and wispers in his ear. The horse neighs , rears and takes off at a full gallop. He comes back about an hour later with ------ a naked woman on his back. Well the indians were very impressed and thought-- " yeah.,this guy is alright--" So they let him use the teepee. He comes out shortly tucking his shirt into his pants. The cheif comes up to ask, " what do you want for your second request?" " I wanna talk to ma horse!" Again he wispers into the horse's ear and again the horse rears, neighs and takes off---- to return an hour later ---- with ANOTHER naked woman on his back. Well the indians were even more impressed!! So let him use the teepee again. He comes out shortly , tucking his shirt into his pants. The chief again addresses him " What do you want for your last request?!" " I wanna talk to ma horse!!!" He grabs the animal by the ears, thumps him between the eyes and hollers " you stupid beast, I said POSSE,POSSE!!!!!"
Man and wife are driving down the road speeding when a cop pulls them over. The cop asks "did you know you were speeding?" The man replies "I was really? I never speed I can't believe it". The wife interrupts and says "don't listen to him he always speeds". The man looks to the wife and says will you shut the #@!& up. The cop asks for the man's license and the man replies "oh my, you're not going to believe this but I forgot my license. I never leave home without it usually" The wife interrupts and says "don't listen to him he never takes his license with him. He doesn't think he'll ever get caught" the husband turns to the wife and says "will you shut the #@!* up!" At this point the cop goes around to the wifes side of the car and asks "mame, does your husband always talk to you like this?" She replies "oh no only when he's drunk".
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
For weeks a little boy kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. Then one day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The boy was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stoped telling his teacher. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommie ate it!"
You know your getting old when there is only one candle on the cake and very old when other people have to help you blow it out. It's sad because old people don't know they're being helped. They think, "hey look I'm blowing all of these candles out. And I'm just inhailing, I'm in good shape. I'm going to live a lot longer.!!!"
Each man and each woman actually does have an owners's manual. Nothing's written down anywhere, but the directions for operation of an individual in a relationship are detailed and specific nonetheless. So when you start out with someone, you're essentially driving a strange car for the first time and none of the controls are labeled. So the wipers can come on at strange times, sometimes you stall. On top of that we've all met people with bad steering, no brakes, needs a muffler, hedlights a little dim, too much in the trunk, not enough under the hood, prone to back fire, won't turn over and just plain out of gas. Which is why when people get ready to get married they so often seem to chose basic transportation. It's simple, it's reliable, and it gets you there. That's inportant on a long trip. Jerry Seinfeld